Styal Football Club
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29th May 2008. The season is over but the 'A' team banter goes through the club.
Please click on the link STYAL A TEAM PLAYER PROFILES AND END OF SEASON REPORT prepared by Punk. Unfortunately most of the profiles are accurate from a point of view of information and photograph.
Mr Takiar's 'A' Team summary at beginning of April
Bonjour mes amis!
Well here we are at the end of March, with only a few weeks of the season left -isn't time flying??? This stage of the season is the run-in, and it should be clear what there is to play for! It is for that reason that I'm particularly pleased as we are 2nd in the league, having been top for most of March, and through to the semi-finals of the Altrincham Cup, after beating Kartel, from the division above us, by 3 goals to 1 in the quarter finals. The league website put this result down as a ‘major shock.' As my players have said, the only major shock was that we didn't score 6 or 7, and that they actually managed to score the one !!!
We have also had some good results in the league, and have rarely been out of the top three since Xmas. This is largely down to having had a settled side. With a squad of 18 players, trying to keep them all happy hasn't been easy, but most of them will agree that they've all had their fair share.
Well maybe the “3 Muskateers” -Deano, Vinny & Browny, may actually disagree, after being put on the bench on Saturday. There was a bit of a mini-rebellion after the game on Saturday, cos some players started before them. The fact that they had been away for the following reasons ;
  1. Deano -injured for 3 weeks, including a recuperation trip to Northern Ireland that Andrei Shevchenko would have been proud of
  2. Vinny -a week in Austria carrying Ed Chandler's skis & generally being his “chalet maid”
  3. Browny -2 weeks in France ‘snow-ploughing' (or did he say snow-boarding?)
had absolutely bugger-all to do with it!
Anyway, after almost exhausting themselves in the rain with their newly-invented game of “triangles” they had practically knackered themselves out. However, Deano still managed to find energy for what has since become known as the “Deano Rant” (sorry mate, I cant see this ever being recorded). He then tried to rally the lads with a speech (albeit via e-mail) in a bid to stir up some “togetherness.” Unfortunately this ended up more “Newsnight” than Braveheart. Good effort though Deano-lad!
A lot of credit must also go to skipper Marcus Kenny who is working hard on his fitness. In fact he is so keen to get fit, that he has employed a “personal fitness trainer.” However, the boys are a bit surprised that he is still ‘blowing' after 60 mins, so we sent Bod ‘over the hills' to spy on him. The truth was found out when Marcus was spotted picking Edith (a 55 year old divorced dinner lady from Horwich) and her 6 kids up from Kwik Save for a ‘quick session.'
The boys are also a bit concerned about Matt Cook, who has been ill this week with tonsilitus (can you catch that from sheep?). Anyway -the “lego-man” should be back tomorrow, chugging all the way from Congleton in the “Mystery Machine.” Sorry Cooky -must have been the water-bottles, which haven't been cleaned from the beginning of the season (glad no-one else noticed).
I would also like to point out that “middle-age” must be approaching many of my macho footballers. When we had a quick drink after last week's game, I actually managed to put my hand in my pocket to buy the boys a drink after the quarter final win. I was a bit embarrassed to go up to the rather attractive bar-lady, and put in an order as follows : 2 cups of tea, 2 café lattes, 2 cokes and an orange juice. Oh yes, and a pint for me (by the way that is all true!!!).
I also finally managed to tot up all the subs owed, which came to the grand total of almost £500. After a few attempts of avoiding the issue, the lads eventually managed to dig deep & start paying up. Even Loz (our Jewish representative) donated a couple of quid. Now we're not saying he's tight, but you'd think that he could afford a proper pair of trousers & shoes, as he keeps turning up in his pyjamas & flip-flops( Deano -don't start!). Furthermore, that tenner he turns up with every week is starting to look a bit worn now. We're trying to spot the wire he keeps it on, as he always manages to get it out & wave it about (the tenner that is!) but it never ends up behind the bar.  
Also this weekend sees another club function -the Race Night. In particular, rumour has it that Pat (Mr. Relaiable as he calls himself) is going to lose his Styal fund-raising virginity, by actually turning up to a do (well he was a 2nd teamer only last season)! Well done to my boys who have managed to sell 24 horses, and most of them are coming to the do itself. Better get there early lads, as the 2nd team will probably get in first to occupy their “3 bar stools.”
Also welcome back this weekend to Andy Giblin aka Gibbo (it took him 3 years to think of that). Apparently he's taken most of the season to do up his new house. Anyway -he's finally got the ‘door' up, so he's taken a well-earned break for our final few matches.
Seriously though -we now have 7 matches in the final 3 weeks, so we're going to need everyone available. This next few weeks will “make or break” this season, with everything still to play for. Lets hope the last Managers Corner at the end of the season gives us something cheerful to write about.
Mr Takiar's report at the end of January 08
Well here we are â€" the end of January, and another couple of months of the season gone. Xmas is long gone & all the hangovers should have been left well-behind, but you wouldn't think so if you were at training last week! Not much football has been played since the last report due to the weather, but if I'm honest â€" not much was played before it either!!!


There ‘are' a few new things to report:


Firstly, welcome back to Joe Morrell. When I got the call that he wanted to return, but only in ‘nets' â€" I thought "what's going on here?!!" Then he explained that he was a ‘bit' out of shape (that's like saying the Pope's ‘slightly catholic'), and wanted to work his way back in. Anyway, he was welcomed with open arms (widely outstretched that is!) as Joey boy would get into any team of mine. My only concern was that he didn't have a goalie's jersey, so I contacted a few of my textiles contacts"¦ the fabric container is coming in from China next month, and the jersey should be made by April !!!


Secondly - a new year brings a new baby (dont panic Staz!), with Pat Lyons' lovely girlfriend Kylie giving birth to a beautiful baby boy â€" William Peter (8lbs 9oz). I know the words "beautiful" & "Pat Lyons" aren't usually used together, but I have been told that it was a ‘freak gene.' Our skipper â€" Marcus Kenney, showed the usual responsible, caring approach of a team leader and responded to the "new arrival" text with â€" "sod the baby"¦"¦lets get out to wet his head!" Don't worry Marcus, we're all due out soon to celebrate â€" apart from Joe"¦ case he ‘eats' the baby!


Also, the word is that another ‘nomad' is returning"¦..Si Kensall ! Apparently he has fallen out with Broadheath (not like them to fall out with anyone â€" eh?), and has decided to "come home" as he has missed the ‘crack' (funny, he just used to miss the ‘net'). Si â€" you are welcome back"¦..but only if your taste in women has improved (no more ‘wardrobes' please). A lot of us have settled down (yes â€" even Marcus), and I don't know if I would be allowed out with you again. Anyway â€" Styal already has a new "pig-farmer" in Staz (who also has someone to help him ‘plough the fields'"¦..but best leave that there!).


Welcome back also to Jim Vince after his "scratched shin." I know that you got hurt making a tackle, and that you shed some blood for the team â€" in a bid to win the ball back. But next time mate"¦"¦..chuck your shirt out of the ambulance â€" eh? The kit's been short!


Alas, every silver lining has a cloud. My "blue-eyed boy" â€" former skipper Alex Kemp, has been in New York on a work project for the last couple of months. He has been sorely missed on & off the field. Scotty Hawkins has tried to replace him as the "team creep""¦..but he's far too ugly & tight (with money that is)! Alex has however been keeping in touch via e-mail & text, and has been following the results from the "big apple." He is back on Feb. 6 th, and is so keen that he wants to play the same Saturday morning he flies in. Alex-boy, you could play from 10,000 feet, and still make more tackles than Bod!


Also another of my favourites has been taken off me â€" ‘Scruffy' Si Roberts who has been demoted"¦..sorry ‘promoted' to the reserves. Oatesy has been after him for ages"¦"¦..and also wanted him to play in his team !!!


In a bid to learn more from a ‘higher source', Scotty & I went with the first team last Saturday, as our game was off. I was looking forward to seeing how our star players prepared for a game, learn some tactical nows, and more importantly - to see who Staz's replacement was, now that he is 2 nd teamer again! I must admit, I was very impressed â€" well-organised moves, good physical contact, a few neat "one-two's" & excellent handling. Shame it was all in the ‘showers' after the game!!!


Player of the months for December & January â€" Pat Lyons , for consistency, aggression & finally having the bloody baby! (there's only 2 quid in the kitty mate, but I'll skint the lads on Saturday) 3/12/07 Mr takiar writes for you

Namaste!(...that's "hello" in Indian for any of you guys who haven't ventured to the far realms of Rusholme!!!)


Well apologies for not writing the "Manager's Corner" at end October, but I was on holiday & if I am honest, the last thing I wanted to think about  - was you lot"¦..or so I thought!!! My holiday actually had me being driven across New Delhi, texting players left, right & centre to play 2 bloody matches in sunny Manchester!


Thanks also to my ‘beautiful assistant' Scotty for handling matters whilst I was away. The poor lad had a lot to do on his own"¦..but apparently the "fag packet" the team was written on blew away, and he couldn't remember the team he had decided 10 minutes earlier"¦so the poor sod ended up in nets!!! If that was a mistake â€" even worse, he started Jonno at centre half!!! He obviously forgot the 1 st lesson of football"¦"¦ no gingers in defence!!!   Harder than it looks â€" eh Worzel???


On a more serious note â€" October & early November wasn't a good month for the A Team. We lost some games we shouldn't have. But after the "honeymoon period" of early-season, some players went missing on all 3 teams, which left us a bit short. I now have about 40 players signed on & still we were short.


Anyway we are back to winning ways, and I would just like to welcome back Marcus Kenney, who played a blinder at centre midfield last week. We have been missing a ball-winning midfielder, and Marcus did exactly that. I told him to go out there & kick people â€" but he didn't have to boot that old lady & her dog on the way to the pitch!!! He even did our own "self-appointed hard man" Matty Cook. Cooky responded in his normal, aggressive football manner (as befits most "hard man-central midfielders") by snarling : "I'm sorry sir, did I get in your way?"


I would also like to thank Loydy for a few cameos from players such as Craig "the Frog" Massey (he's got to change into a ‘prince' sooner or later), Nick "Socrates" Challinor & "the Terminator" Andy Pownall. Massey played central midfield (that's his position Oatesy!) and scored with 2 pin-point crosses! Challinor played that new position called "penalty spot." And Andy Pownall played ‘anywhere he damn well wanted to' (I'm not bloody arguing with him)!!!


The team pin-up Alex "the Professor" Kemp has now taken the captaincy, and continues to lead by example. He even made a tackle last week which resulted in him twisting his ankle. He was ready for a stretcher, until I gave him some motivational words â€" "no worries pal, I'll get myself warmed up." Never have I seen so many players help an injured team mate to his feet so quickly!!!


Thanks also to one of the other ‘defensive pretty boys' â€" Paul Marchbank, who appeared to follow Marcus's aggressive tones. He made a tackle in the 1 st half, a header in the 2 nd and even passed to Bod's feet (big mistake!). We've noticed that Marchy plays well either : 1) every other week, or 2) when one of his "bum-chums" is playing. Well Marchy â€" you had a blinder last week & Nicky Challinor's left the club  "¦"¦.so - go get your Xmas tree this Saturday!!!


And finally - welcome back to Dean "Styal till I die" Rome, who makes a long-awaited comeback this weekend. We better make the most of it, cos Deano averages ‘2 seasons a game!' At least the defence wont look so pretty now!!!




Player of the month was Alex Kemp (who now has a "shiner" to match his blue eyes)! Well done skipper â€" he wins £10 from the fines pot, and this could have been double, but Cooky was on holiday last weekend!


We've also now solved the problem of where to keep the valuables, as no-one wanted the responsibility. So from now on â€" we're going to buy a trilby hat & give it to Bod "Fanny" Adkin to wear during games & keep the valuables underneath it. Cos lets face it"¦"¦.for 90 minutes â€" there aint a safer place !!!


Also â€" it is finally confirmed. Paul Marchbank has ‘double vision'"¦"¦he sees a totally different game from the rest of us!
After 4 pre-season friendly games where our record was â€" played 4, lost 3 & won one, including a ‘hammering' from a " Styal 1st team select XI" (thanks Loydy!), it is particularly pleasing to report a 100% start to the season â€" played 3, won 3. I still cannot believe the quality of the squad that I have at my disposal, and there are 3 or 4 decent players that I cannot even get into the squad.


There is half of last season's 2 nd team, and some newer players who I expect to move up to 2 nd team or beyond! Also every week, I have at least 4 players on the bench, which makes a change from nipping down to the Swan to fill up the teamsheet!!! Seriously though, I do feel that I will need a strong squad, if we are to challenge for this league, as I feel that the standard in the Altrincham & District League is getting better.


So far this season, the "performers" have been players such as Matty West - with 6 goals in 3 games (before he gets his "hourly" groin strain"); Si Roberts â€" the wonder winger (or is that whinger?); Matty Cook, who still thinks he's a flaming central midfielder (in your dreams hill-billy!) and the team's "pin-up" â€" Alex Kemp, who has returned from 2 years down south (although he was still mysteriously spotted in the Trafford Centre most weekends??!).


As a manager, I must say that it is great to have players with such ability, which almost makes up for the fact that they are so bloody ugly!!! A fact not helped by my assistant â€" "Worzel Hawkins", who has been a great help. It cant be easy being my assistant, but he is learning. It also helps, when after each game, he comes up with statements such as â€" "you should have played yourself Boss",  "what a tactical master-stroke that was" & "have you had your hair cut?" Anyway Scotty â€" you were still the first player to get fined & until you get a better excuse than "Crimewatch" for not training (I think he's looking to see if he is on it!!!), the fines will continue to accumulate!!!


Other observations this season include Matty Cook, who I think only rents his home in Congleton from Monday to Friday, cos his camper van gets to Jim Evison on Friday lunchtime, and is still spotted ‘smoking' away on Sunday evening. In fact, if the facilities in the pavilion don't improve, we maybe joining the family in the shower (which also doubles as the toilet, cooker & conservatory)!!!


Congratulations also go to Loz and the rest of the Newman family, who have recently enjoyed a new addition to the family. In fact he has been getting sleepless nights as he continually gets up to feed the new baby (just how much petrol does a new Aston Martin need???).


Loydy has also given me the go-ahead to employ a "sign-language" expert"¦.so we can work out Si Roberts corner signals!!! All we need now is a "speech therapist" to understand what the "white gangster-rapper" - Lee McDonnell is saying (although I think it goes along the lines of"¦."when am I coming on you fat t**t??!").


Anyway â€" first month gone & so far, so good! 3 wins out of 3 & joint top of the league. Player of the month (a new feature) is Matt Cook â€" who gets the accumulated ‘fines pot'"¦.a ‘IOU' for a quid from Scotty.


Well done boys"¦..keep it up !


Punk "the Ayatollah" Takiar

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